


I was lost inside of you

by windandthestars



Category: The Newsroom (US TV)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Pre-Series
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-19
Updated: 2013-09-19
Packaged: 2017-12-27 00:33:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 790
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/972185
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/windandthestars/pseuds/windandthestars
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He wants a fixer upper so he can build something from scratch, so the two of them can mold their future one DIY weekend at a time.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I was lost inside of you

**Author's Note:**

> Title from Eastmountainsouth's Winter. Inspired by [this photo](http://www.flickr.com/photos/05maj/9712922966/).

She's standing by the window in this rundown mess of a place. She has her arms crossed, staring out the open loft window that reaches so high she's left dwarfed in its shadow. The view is spectacular, the Chrysler building jutting up from the skyline, but he knows they have no future here. He wants a fixer upper so he can build something from scratch, so the two of them can mold their future one DIY weekend at a time. He wants to make this their home; he wants to do this with her, but she can't see past the mess and the sawdust, and while he doesn't really blame her for that, he is disappointed.

The breeze picks up, rattling the last of the fall leaves out on the window ledge and she shivers. It's chilly out there. She's left her jacket slung over his arm so she could take a look around. He's been here a couple of times, mostly with the broker, but it's the first time he's been here with her, the first time he’s let himself hope that maybe he isn't wrong about this.

"I know it needs a lot of work. The wainscoting is a bit presumptuous, and there's no walk in, but I can fix that."

"The view is nice." He's not sure if she’s heard him or if she's not quite sure what to say, but he lets it drop for the moment and instead goes back to watching her. There's something off about her and while he knows he's not the most perceptive person when it comes to MacKenzie sometimes, and he knows there's a good chance he's projecting, he also knows she hasn't looked anywhere but out the window since she’d showed up. "If you think it's not a good investment, there's a lot of other places around here I could look, or not around here. It doesn't matter. I haven't made up my mind. I thought maybe if you-"

"This is supposed to be for us, isn't it?" She cuts him off, words spoken not to help him work his way through his stumbling mess of sentences but to steer him away. 

They haven't talked about marriage, not in a way that makes it sound like a serious consideration for the near future, but in the broader scope of things she seemed to find the idea appealing. The idea of proposing to her terrifies him, but he finds he's thinking about it more and more. He hasn't said anything about them moving in together, he knows she likes having her own space, particularly now that he's putting in more hours at the office, picking up more of her workload, but he wants that to be an option, he wants her to be comfortable with whatever he decides on. 

He hadn't thought for a second that she would tell him no, he had never thought of reconsidering until he sees the look on her face when she turns from the window. She looks devastated, utterly bereft, but also inexplicably pissed. It's an odd mix of emotions playing across her face and he's not sure which part if any is aimed at him.

"Look, if you're not happy we could-" He gestures helplessly. She's knocked him for a loop and he's reeling, hoping she'll bail him out.

"I want this." He's surprised when it comes out as a whisper, a warble on the breeze, almost decimated by the bustling city street outside the window. "but I couldn't live with myself. I couldn't do that to you. I'm sorry. I love you, Billy and I'm sorry. I fucked up and I'm sorry and maybe I shouldn't tell you this but I couldn't live with myself if Brian,"

He doesn't hear the rest of what she says because the floor drops out from under him and the Earth swallows him whole. He's been set on fire, he's burning alive, rage, and grief, and somehow he knows, he knows he's been an idiot. He had fallen in love and been taken for a ride. He's a fool. He should have known.

He's pretty sure the realtor won't notice if he puts a few extra holes in the wall or pukes in one of the empty paint cans laying around from when he'd touched up the master bath. He’s falling apart and she’s leaving. He doesn’t remember telling her to leave, but he must have because when he comes back to himself his fingers are wrapped around the window sill and there’s a part of him praying he’ll catch sight of her in the street, yearning to take back the last hour and start again.

“Close your eyes and stop laughing. You’re ruining the suspense.”


End file.
